I remember Christmas as such an exciting and joyful time as a kid... Parties and presents and pretty dresses... My mom saying yes to things she usually said no to, like cookies or playing games with me at the kitchen table or letting me help her bake. Seeing cousins and aunts and uncles we didn't normally see, and spending more time with the grandparents.
And then there was the magical, mystical quality of it all...
Waking up on Christmas morning, padding downstairs where the lights on the tree were still on to see a huge mound of presents in the place where I left my empty stocking the night before. A mound of presents left by a fat guy who came down my chimney...? All in return for some hot cocoa and a couple of cookies? Which, incidentally, was an idea that I bought into for a really, really, really long time.
And I really liked going to church only on Christmas Eve because they did the candle thing and even as a little kid, I thought that was really pretty and peaceful. Plus I knew that when we got home, there was a party at our house and we would get to open a present and then it wasn't long until Santa would come!
When I think of Christmas in childhood, I think of joy, peace, excitement, love.
What I never felt as a child during Christmas time was...stressed out.
As an adult...
I returned home from a workshop in Texas on December 3rd. I was weary from the work and the travel and so glad to be home. I walked through the gate and into the airport sighing with relief and thought to myself, Ah. Denver. I'm so glad I don't have to go anywhere until... Crap. Two weeks. Seriously? Less than two weeks. I have to leave for Michigan in less than two weeks?!!! Are you kidding me?! I haven't bought one present or baked one thing! How could this be?!
Christmas time is so... stressful.
Do I have enough time to order that for her? Can I get it in that size? Did you deliver this to that person? Did you buy them a ____? Do we have enough money to pay for the gas? Are we at your family's house for the same amount of time we are at mine? What are my brothers going to make fun of me about this year? How much poop am I going to have to clean out of the car seats? Is she going to like this? They have everything. What kind of a gift can I even buy them?...
And all of these things always seems to sneak up on me.
So, this year, after realizing I had less than two weeks until we got in a car to go visit family... I made a list. I checked it twice. And on the second check, I simply crossed out a bunch of stuff that I could skip (or do after Christmas) and attempt to keep my sanity. I didn't bake anything. Seriously. Not. One. Thing. I didn't buy my kids presents. Seriously. The Sunday before we left for Michigan I filled up their stockings with cool travel games to keep them busy in the car, but that was it. Then we went to see the Muppets as a family. Somehow we still have more toys and games than we know what to do with. I only took on one photo project that consisted of 8 pictures. And sin of all Must Do Christmas Tradition sins, I didn't send out Christmas cards or get our family pictures taken. (If you happened to notice not getting a Christmas card with a picture of our smiling family on it, now you know why.)
And still, even after eliminating all of those things from my list of things to do, the prevailing feeling was not joy, peace, excitement, or love. It was stress.
Granted, it was wonderful to see all of the family that we got to see. It was super fun to play Farkle with the families and go out for drinks with my brothers and sisters in law. It was awesome to watch my boys have so much fun with their cousins and grandparents.
But it seems as though I am finding more joy in normal life these days, more peace in the day to day, more excitement about my cup of delicious coffee in the morning, more love in the way Nolan asks every evening, "Nuggle, Mama? Nuggle?"
I used to be a self-proclaimed "Special Day Junkie." Now I love when my life is quiet and ordinary. Does that mean I'm getting old? Or wiser?
Regardless... Now that whirlwind of stress and chaos is over, it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas around here... Joyful, peaceful, loving...just in time to take down the tree and all of the decorations.
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