I remember being in college and thinking, I can't wait to find that perfectly flawed man, have a bunch of cute kids and stay at home with them. It will be so great. I will work out every day. I'll have to be a real writer, because I'll just make that my full-time job since I won't be working for real, and I will have SO MUCH TIME on my hands.
And I remember sitting at a park listening to a mom scream at her kids for getting muddy while they were playing and thinking, I will never get mad at my kids for getting dirty. That woman is an idiot. Why in the world would you bring kids to a park to play and expect them to not get filthy?
But guess what. Only parts of those dreams have become reality.
I have a flawed man. We have a bunch of cute kids. I work out sometimes. I am a writer, but not a "real" one by my college-definition...
But...TIME... what is that?
And I totally scream at my children for the messes they make. JUST LIKE THAT EVIL WOMAN IN THE PARK. I growl and roll my eyes when Kevin dumps his food on the floor for the 3rd time that day....
I started a blog thinking I would write every day at naptime. I have written 1 post this year.
And I do have REAL job... the most important and noble one there is. Problem is, it doesn't feel important or noble. It FEELS like I could try really hard or not at all and get the same result.
I remember feeling bogged down, like life was full of pressure to finish this paper, win that game, find the perfect guy, be the perfect friend...
And now I think, "I had SOOO much time on my hands, and I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted! College was the best!"
The truth is I have always been one of those 'grass is greener' kind of people.
But maybe the grass is only greener because of the way the light shines on it from where I'm standing.
It seems that the photographs I like best are the ones that either show the entire landscape and light dancing, or are extremely close up, so close that I can really only recognize shapes, patterns, light, details I would never notice if I was just looking from a normal distance. And maybe that's how life is.
Life is more beautiful when I take a step back and look at the entire landscape, when I see the big picture, the end goal. The boys will grow up and move out. They will be really neat adults with manners and good hygiene. They will be ball-players, chefs, and maybe even American Ninja Warriors. It is beautiful when I imagine my children as grown, self-sufficient, confident men.
Conversely, it is spectacularly beautiful when I stop thinking in terms of "getting things done," and look at my children to see them exactly as they are right now. When we baked cupcakes for Jeff's birthday today and Nolan dripped honey down his chin, on his shirt, on the counter, it was beautiful to take this thing that would have been much easier for me to do by myself while they were playing wii, and turn it into an up-close, Nolan loves honey, and the way he looks with that sticky mess all over his chin is crazy gorgeous. Thank God I get to do this with him moment.
The hard part is in the middle, the day to day perspective where we just blindly go about our day, missing the intimate details of our lives, our children, our spouses, and unable to see the big picture, unclear of where we are going, or where we have been... Out of focus.
If the grass is greener because of the way the light shines on it from where I'm standing, then why don't I just follow the light? If life is hard when I lose focus, stop seeing the details, and forget the big picture, then why don't I just focus on the little things that make up the big picture?
There's only one reason. Because it's hard.
But I guess, like I said last time I blogged...if at first I lose focus, focus, focus again.
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