So... my kids have gotten cuter in the past few weeks.
They're not any different. They don't look differently or act differently or speak differently, but they are much much cuter.
And it has way more to do with how I see them than it does with how they are.
I am finding out what everyone's been telling me their whole lives... I have really cool kids. I always knew this on some level, but I just couldn't see it.
I was too busy trying to build them into what I thought they should be. Too busy trying to make them fit the mold of well-behaved, good-charactered children to see who they are and see who God made them to be. I was too busy trying to succeed at motherhood to look at them and enjoy who they are. Too worried about whether or not others thought I was a good mom. Trying so hard to earn the, "Your children are so well-behaved. You are such a great mom." compliments.
But the thing is, when I am not so uptight about their behavior and how they make me look... they behave better than when I am uptight about it. When I take the time to sit and listen to them and answer their questions and hear about how Daniel pretended to be Yoshi, then Bowser, then Toad, then Donkey Kong, then Yellow Yoshi, Pink Yoshi, and Jr. Bowser this morning, but he can't decide who he's going to be after lunch. And when I take the time to play with him and be Daisy or Princess Peach (which, by the way I have no idea how to do), he looks at me with beautiful blue eyes and says, "I love you so much, Mama." And, while I generally find the whole pretending games to be pretty annoying because for Daniel, it's more about choosing the characters (and changing his mind about it) than actually playing, now I realize that it's an odd and endearing quirk that someday will translate into something really cool.
And I don't have to worry about that, because, while he is my son, my brain, my heart, my everything is not in him. His brain, his heart, his everything is in him. This is a weird phenomenon that happens when you have a child and you don't know it's going to happen or when it is happening, but when we become parents, at some point, someone actually has to tell us this obvious thing that our sons and daughters have their own thoughts and emotions, etc.
And when I just hug Nolan when he needs a hug and just watch him (because he doesn't want me to talk to him or play with him usually), he laughs even more belly laughs and snuggles even better snuggles.
And when I look at them with these eyes, with the "you are... who you are" eyes, I see beautiful children who I really like to spend time with. And I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm doing a good job. I don't need anyone to notice that I work hard to care for them.
Because when I see them as people, I can appreciate them. When I see them as walking compilations of my successes, faults, or failures, they are no longer people, just the things I wish I had done better. I really really like looking at them and seeing a tall gangly blond 4 year old kid with the vocabulary and spiritual inquiry of a college student and a stocky, giggly ham who loves to snuggle with nigh-night, make people laugh, and irritate his older brother. It is way more fun to just be a parent to two goofy kids than it is to look at my kids and only see the things that are wrong with me and how I do things.
I'm saying this all in past tense as though I'll never go back there again, as though I'll never get too busy to appreciate my children again, as though I'll never try to control how they interpret things or see things or say things, etc. But I know I will. I know I won't see them with the "right" eyes all of the time, but just knowing that when I do see them with the "right" eyes, we all have more fun together is a big incentive.
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