"Stop Chewing on Your Shirt."

So, Daniel chews on his shirt.  And Nolan hits and kicks and screams when he's mad.

I can't get them to stop.

I nag at them when they do it.  "Get your shirt out of your mouth."  "Stop hitting your brother."

They stop for a minute.

I leave the room.

Chewing continues.  Hitting ensues.

My nagging becomes louder, more irritated, more forceful.  "I said, get that shirt out of your mouth!"  "WE DON'T HIT!"

We don't hit, but we sure do scream!

And give time outs.

Nolan punched me in the face and kicked me in the belly yesterday because I tried to carry him to timeout when he refused to pick up his trains.

So I followed through, of course.  There was a time out.  And then the "nothing else is happening until your trains are picked up.  No lunch, no baseball, no going outside, no playing with the other toys you already got out and started playing with."

He cried for at least 10 minutes.  He likes to cry, make a big, long, loud fuss, and then when he's done with it, there are no grudges, he's happy as can be, over it.

So I try teaching, "Nolan, you know how it feels really overwhelming when you have a really big mess in your room and I ask you to clean it up?  It looks too big and scary and like you can't do it all?  That's why we have to put our toys away right when we are done playing with them.  Because if we do that, then it's not that big of a deal to just put a few toys away."

"Wahhhhhh!!!!  It's too big!  It's too much!  I need Danny to help me!!!!"

"Your mess.  Your responsibility."  Then I walk away.

And my sweet Daniel begins to cheer him on, "You can do this, Nolan! Just start with the tracks..."

Before I know it, both boys are running up the stairs giggling and there are no trains or tracks in sight.

Mission accomplished.  Or is it?

I'm pretty sure that Daniel said, "Nolan, put a bunch of toys in your shirt to carry them upstairs, and I will put a bunch in my shirt and we'll be all done."

At first blush, I think, "Oh Daniel is so sweet.  He is such a sweet older brother."  But the reality is that Nolan is learning that he can take advantage of a nice person to do what he doesn't want to do, even though it is his responsibility.

Is this such a bad thing?  Don't we all do this?  Isn't part of the reason I picked Jeff for my husband because I knew he was organized and that he would make me keep my chaos to a reasonable level?

Isn't this using your spiritual giftedness?   Sort of, but not really.

So, what's the right thing to do with that?  Do I let it go?  (Which I did.)  Or do I keep hounding?  (This is horribly annoying to me, and I'm sure it's annoying to the boys.  It also doesn't seem to work, only to infuriate.)

5 minutes later, this sweet brotherly cooperation has gone sour and Nolan is beating the crap out of Daniel upstairs.

Here we go again.  Another timeout.  Another lesson.

Another lesson for mommy in "You can't control other people's choices.  You can influence them, but you can't make decisions for them."