Subtitles

Know what I hate?  When old ladies in the grocery store tell you to “enjoy every minute” of my kids being small.  God’s honest truth is that EVERY MINUTE OF PARENTING IS NOT ENJOYABLE!  Especially if you’re doing it right.

I recall being in high school, listening to someone, probably a friend’s dad or a teacher, say, “These are the best years of your life.”  And I remember thinking, Who the heck are you to tell me what I am enjoying and what is left to come in my life?  And if you do have any credibility, why in the world would THIS be the best life has to offer?  This sucks.  I’m bored out of my mind, people around me think the sun rises and sets on whether or not people like them, the football (or any other sports team) team wins or loses, and what grade they got on the last biology test.  Call me high maintenance, but I expect more from “the best years of my life.” 

Why is this lie perpetuated?  Why are there myths of how fabulous having children is?

Now, I understand that life goes by quickly and before you know it you’ve graduated from high school.  Before you know it, your KIDS are graduating from high school.  And I have no problem with an old lady coming up to me and saying, “It goes by fast.”  Or, “I remember this stage so fondly, and I didn’t appreciate it when I was in it.  I wish I could’ve enjoyed my kids more when they were that age.”

Here’s the problem:

What the old lady and the washed up football player MEAN to say is, “I really wish I would’ve appreciated what I had when I had it, because now it’s gone.”

But, they can’t verbalize their feelings to a stranger or a kid properly, so they turn to the exact same thing that I turn to when I feel like I really want my kids to understand it.  I FORCE it on them.  I cram it down their throats and make threats and scream and yell and go crazy trying to control them.

The reality is that I SHOULD say, “Nolan, I really love you and I need you to take a nap because that’s how you grow and get big like a baseball player and control your emotions.” 

But because he is attacking my “break” from his tantrums and needs, I scream like a crazy person about how he needs to obey me and that I will win because I am a 33 year old woman waging war on a 3 year-old’s napping strike.  He knows that he’s winning because I’m the one who is acting crazy.

But back to the old lady and the washed-up football player.  If they’re not trying to be rude, then why do I want to punch them in the face?  Or push my cart, full of all 3 kids, in her direction and say, “Why don’t YOU enjoy them for the rest of the morning while I get one thing started, finished, cleaned up and put away?”  Or tell the guy, “You were wrong!  I hated high school!  And I deliberately loathed it more because you told me it would be the “best time of my life”!”

When I was pregnant, I always felt that towards the end of each of my pregnancies, strangers had subtitles.  Their mouths would say, “Wow, when are you due?”  But the subtitles would say, “Holy shit, you’re huge.  Have that baby already so I don’t have to look at your fat-self anymore.” 

Wouldn’t it be great, though, if when we encountered the well-meaning old lady or the ex-jock pining over his glory days, we could just train our brains to read their subtitles instead?

So when people give us unsolicited advice, all we hear are things like, “Parenting is hard, and it’s easy to get lost in just trying not to drown, but I wish I would’ve looked at my kids and really SAW them for who they are were as often as I possibly could, I would’ve enjoyed them more.”  OR “I didn’t realize what I had back in high school, and I wish I would’ve enjoyed it more. “

I wish I could give my kids subtitles when they say, “I’m STILL hungry.”  Their subtitles would say, “That dinner was delicious.  May I please have some more?”

I bet I could train myself to HEAR what people MEAN to say, instead of what they ACTUALLY say… but… I also need to train myself to say what I should say, not tell others what they SHOULD do.

Ugh.  Life is hard.  Oh well.  Guess I’ll just go “enjoy every minute of being with my kids.” And recognize that “these are the best years of my life.”  And everything will be just fine.